Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

       As the new year is right around the corner, I was contemplating about coming back and continuing to write for the blog. I'll probably start slow. Maybe some movie reviews here and there. There are a couple of movies that I am very excited about including Hooper's Les Miserables and Peter Jackson's The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey. To tell you the truth this entry is a bit late...fine, very late. I wanted to start a bit earlier to talk about Ang Li's Life of Pi and John Milius' Red Dawn, but they were downers and I didn't really have anything good to say about any of them. Well, I can't say that I totally disliked Life of Pi but it wasn't what it was cracked up to be. (To me anyway.) It's likely I will write something about Pi a bit later. I'm not going to stain myself with Red Dawn. Sorry, not going to happen Milius. You can't make me!

Achem...Here Ye, Hear Ye.

      Guess what? I got the job. The base pay wasn't what it was drawn out to be but it's not the worst. I would have been more joyous on this occasion but I was sure that the pay would be a bit more compensating. Aside from that, I have done it. I finally got my second job as a Member Associate at a Credit Union. 60 hour work weeks, here I come!

Past few days

       The past couple of days have been somewhat eventful. My quest for a second job is still underway. To be totally honest, I thought that I would have had that job by now, yet here I am. I applied to a local credit union to be a customer associate/teller, which is one of many teller positions I applied for a couple of weeks ago. It was the only one that promptly gave me a call back for an interview. I had the interview yesterday morning with the Director of Retail Services and the Vice President of Sales and Marketing. If you asked me how it went, it wouldn't be an easy question for me to answer confidently. It could have resulted in two ways. Either they thought I was an excellent selection for the job (although not quite qualified as the rest of them) or that I'm just plain old under-qualified. Deep in my heart I think that I didn't get this job.
       My cousin has this magic 8 ball in his house that I have been shaking quite a number of times asking it if I had gotten the job and all it comes up with is, "Can't say at this time." Sure, I went to that interview in a suit that  metaphorically had the word "dashing" exquisitely written in Vivaldi font all over it but I have this weird feeling in my gut. If I was asked to sell something to those interviewers, I could have done it with my allure alone. Black on black on black with a fine stroke of red perfection. However, they didn't ask me to sell them anything. Too gaudy? Fine, I give. I just want to get my foot into the financial world. My dad's career is in finance, maybe I'll find some clue as to what I'm supposed to do with my life there.

Strange times

       In the past couple of days I've found myself just searching for guidance. I don't know where to go from here. I've never been so confused in my life. According to the counselors at school, any which way I go, I would have to spend another 2 years of my life there to finish a degree which is just way too long for just some degree.
       I've been driving a lot lately and then some because either I wanted someone on the radio to just say something to set a spark in me or because I just didn't want to stop driving. The way out isn't revealing itself to me.
       Even when I'm in the pits right now, I'm still somehow pulling off more mistakes. Every time I look in my emails, there are just more and more job rejections. I don't know if you will understand this next part but I'll say it anyway. There's a battle going on inside me. There's that good voice that tells me what I'm doing is wrong and it will only lead to worse things further on in my path and then there's that voice of ignorance that tells me to do it and deal with the consequences. As you can see that voice of ignorance is dominating in my life. I really don't think voices on the radio or 100 more miles will help me choose the right voice.

Twisted in all directions

      The last few days have been very confusing. My parents and I had a talk about what's going to come and even members of my immediate family got word of my situation. After some time of deliberation it seems as if my parents want me to go back to school, immediately. Their reason was that if I didn't hold up my status as a full time student, I would have to start to pay for my own insurance. However, in reality, that's not really the case is it? According to the ObamaCare policy passed in 2010, all young adults up to the age of 26 can be covered under their parent's insurance policy, whether or not they are a full time student. So in other words, my parents want me to go back to school and graduate with some sort of a degree because if I don't, I wouldn't be under their insurance plan anymore. It wasn't until a little later after my discussion with my parents that my brother clued me in on this policy.
      But in the few moments in between talking to my parents and finding about the plan, I felt good that my parent's wanted me to go back to school. It might not be the school I am necessarily in, in all likeliness it most likely will not be. I don't know what it was but inside I felt a little relieved. Nevertheless, at the same time, I wanted some time to myself to figure out what it is that I want and to rebuild myself. I have no money in the bank. I don't have any true dreams or aspirations. Today, as I was driving back home from saying goodbye to my city apartment for good, I fantasized about me singing whatever it was I was listening to at that moment, and the crowd going wild. But it all honesty, I don't have a singing voice and I don't know how to dance. So that isn't a fruitful future goal either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and the past week or two I have been readying myself for a loaded work schedule. My mind was set on attacking these loans at full speed and now, I have to think about going back to school. Some people might call me a very selfish and ungrateful person and based on what I have done the past few years, I agree. That doesn't change the fact that I feel truly lost and I don't know what to do.

Bits of the past and future.

      First off, the career search is underway and and I got an email for a possible interview to be an insurance sales agent. The more I looked into it, the more I begun to realize that almost everyone who puts their resume online gets emails and calls from insurance companies. So this is the first of many emails to come; however, what company will search for potential employees on a Sunday? Maybe it's normal? I'm going to give it a solid week to make a decision and in the meanwhile research and assimilate myself with anything I can find on those who want an interview. Look at me sounding like a hotshot that just graduated from a fine school. But hey, if I'm into something, I'll be the best at it.
      On a different note, I was looking through an old portfolio that I created during the end of high school. It was, at that time, for a senior English project, but now its one of the storage spaces for writing that I doodle on a piece of paper from time to time. I don't mind sharing them. It may help me in times when I don't have much to say.

Detox.

      Detoxification is definitely what I need right now. I'm definitely going to use this time to fish out all of the bad things about myself and deal with them. I feel as if my core is straight black. You might not understand but I feel as if my life won't fall into place unless I do it. It's going to take a while but hey time is what I have. So just go with me on this. It's going to be difficult as hell but it has to be done. At least it's not a midterm or final where you either pass or fail on just one try, right? First things first, this place needs some cleaning and then back on the job hunt. Let's see what posts came up today.
      On another note, I mustered up the courage to talk to my dad about my situation yesterday night. He knew it already. He's my dad, how could he not know? I didn't have to do anything else but greet him and he just did all the talking. It's going to be a while till we could be friendly with each other. It's not like he's mad at me or anything, he's disappointed and a bit clueless about my future. In a way it's worse but we're not on bad terms but it's going to take some hard work to see us laughing together. Once I get my life on track or in a direction maybe we'll make up.
      I have been thinking about my future, what my dream job will be, what I will be doing in the next year or so, and if I would even be successful. All that's still up in the air. Of course, I know where I want to be in terms of a dream but not what I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life to get me there. Just like my dad, I too am clueless. I'm just going to have to take it a step at a time and build myself up brick by brick. Starting from square one.

I should have known.

      The "whatever, once I pay off these loans, I'm out of here" mentality is slowly fading away as I dive into the world of entry level jobs that just require a high school diploma. I went into work today to do inventory and one of my co-workers approached me. (She knew about my position.) She proceeded to tell me about how her daughter curses herself everyday because whatever money she makes, only pays for the interest on her student private loans. Reality ever slightly started to creep in. I know it's going to be a while till i finish paying off these loans but damn, am I going to be paying it off my whole life? I feel as if I have been living my life as if it was some kind of experiment and I could put myself into another body and live a life free of the mistakes I made in the "experiment" one. The thing is, there is no such thing! Did I lose you? Nevermind. The more I think about it, the more I just want to run away to some distant country but I can't really do that can I? I have to own up to my mistakes, buck up, and find that other job and go to the bank and see what I can do.
      This looking for jobs thing is no joke either. I really have to start going out into the field on Monday and sell myself to find that second job. As of right now, I don't think I'll get a second look. I've gained a superfluous weight, have no money for a haircut, all my good clothes are at my apartment at school. I'm in a total *#&^hole right now. Well whatever happens after this, especially if it's good, will be because of some really hard work on my part and some luck, whichever comes first.

Imperative but somewhat Impossible

      One's motivation or drive shouldn't feel this distant; however, I can't move forward anymore without it. Time is of the essence as well. Every time I think of something to propel me forward, I repeatedly come up short. Nothing comes to mind and it stings. To bring forth change and to beat dreadful daily monotony, I need to come up with a force to push me higher than before. This is difficult because nothing ever lasts for me. Great ideas are put into motion to find themselves sequestered within weeks or months. The thrill of starting something new, something foreign, dissolves. I could never finish something that requires continuous work and this simply won't do. Maybe you understand what I am saying, some of you might not.
      I feel as if I'm walking daily with an empty mind moving through life's situations solely through physical acts, like I don't have an inner self. What is it that I want? What goal can be that important to me that I obtain it no matter what? If I get a hold on those answers, the upcoming days could be that much more manageable.

Hey

      It's been a while hasn't it. A lot of things have happened since the last time I posted an entry. Not all of these things are things that I am proud of. Neither are they things that I would like to talk about at this moment. Maybe when I am ready, I will slowly have enough peace of mind to release them from the hollows of my mind into the form of words. Just know that I am back on my feet and warming up my fingers to do more posts. Sure it's been a while but I haven't forgotten the power that writing has on a person's mind. Maybe it would have been better for me to start writing earlier but I just didn't want to...had no motivation. Thanks for everyone for still following me. It really does mean the world.